


Hella No! Swan

by Gelasia_Kidd



Category: Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Author is lazy, Awesome Charlie, BAMF Bella, Bella is me., Bella is not a vampire but she's not quite normal either., Bella was never cool originally., But author ruined it., But yea what would you do different?, Charlie and Bella will have a better relationship, Don't suffocate laughing., Done tagging. I think. Have fun laughing., Edward is confused, Go over there to read the reviews if you feel like. Gelasia Kidd there, I don't even like twilight, I will be sad., I'm stuck in a really weird character., Inner Dialogue., It happened on ffnet, It's not even the sparkly vampires!!, Pack Dynamics, Parody, Potential lost, Pretty much everyone is confused, Reality trolls back., Self-Insert, She was sort of self serving, Someone save me., Stephanie Meyers failed, The history potential of Twilight is good., The set is good but the story is awful., Well sort of. She is a troll., Why would you even mention such historical diversity?, and then not use it??!, but that's okay!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-29
Updated: 2017-01-13
Packaged: 2018-07-27 13:17:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 7,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7619557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gelasia_Kidd/pseuds/Gelasia_Kidd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Of all the places, and all the characters I could end up in. I don't even light Twilight!</p><p>After James dies, and Bella is attacked, things go slightly different. I wake up as Bella after a several month coma, with all her memories and none of her character. </p><p>I have no desire to deal with this shit, and I can't nope out, so why not have some fun?</p><p>Let's see how confused I can make everyone.</p><p>"Nope nope nope NOPE!" I said in an amused tone, dancing out of Edward's romantic grasp. "Nope!" I continued, waggling my finger at a bewildered, WTF, Edward. "Not gonna, can't make me!"</p><p>I don't even LIKE Twilight. Or the cold.</p><p>God help me. </p><p>((orz what did I get myself into. I might as well cope by pretending to break the fourth wall.)) </p><p>Help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue: ..help.

**Author's Note:**

> Ch 1 Summary: Somewhere before point A and point B the universe hates me. But I can always turn a bad thing into a good thing if I look at it the right way. If I'm gonna do this, I'll do this on my terms. 
> 
> This is going to be -hilarious-.
> 
> (( for future reference, to those who don't know the shorthand, orz is an emoticon for a fetal position. It will be used a lot. ))

I hurt, a lot. I didn't know why I hurt, or where I was. I heard the beeping of a heart rate monitor, I felt an iv in my arm. My fingers twitched, sending a jolt of pain all throughout my body.

 

What was this residual all over pain? Like my nerves had been scorched.. It felt like frostbite or hypothermia. Like I had been out in the cold so long, that my body registered the sensation as being hot, burnt instead, when returning indoors and in the warmth.

 

' _That would make sense,'_ an inner voice told me. ' _Considering vampires are freezing, and you almost became one.'_

 

My eyes flew open in a jolt of shock, and mild horror, as my memories were filled with scenes from a life _I never had._

 

"Bella!" Charlie, _my father,_ called out in relief. "I'll get Dr. Cullen!"

 

My head turned rapidly to the disappearing police officer, as he rushed out of the room. The movement caused a dizzy spell that quickly eased in seconds.

 

"Hell no!" I exclaimed in shock, voice raspy from disuse. It dissolved into a coughing fit, which took a minute to ease. But the thought didn't leave me.

 

I was _Isabella Swan,_ and the last memory I had of being her, was the noise of the Cullens ripping James apart.

 

Suddenly I felt like pushing the panic button next to the bed. A LOT.

 

Someone had played a reality bending joke on me, and I was not about to go along with it.


	2. Ch 1: Where is the undo button?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What did you expect me to do? Follow along with the script. Pfft. Hell no.

I struggled out of my hospital bed I had been confined in, and wobbled to the edge of the bed, where the medical chart was hanging. "Hmm," I murmured, relieved that Bella had been a genius, although a self deluded and obsessive one. I actually recognized what these terms meant.

 

"It seemed that the only change from canon was that I had been in a two month  **_coma_ ** of all things, following a "fall" that broke my leg and gave me a head injury. I was going to have Carlisle about that in private, because it absolutely reeked of a cover up of what really happened.

 

I was thankful, however, that the two months had been enough to heal my leg.. or had it? As I considered this, I realized the scars from the clumsiness of constant cooking for Renee (a necessity); Knife cuts, usually, from chopping; across my hands had fades, as much as any other scar I had obtained in my lifetime.

 

All that was left was a silver crescent on my arm. The bite mark was glittering much as Edward's skin did, and had the appearance of a moon tattoo, in all actuality. It was not all that unpleasant in aesthetics.

 

But I also noticed, as I moved, the pain in my nerves eased, like a flu bug being worked out. It simply felt like exercise muscle pain, at this point.

 

And I  _ really _ needed to pee, I realized. I was  **not** about to ask for a bedpan of all things, the humiliation of it! I carefully unplugged my heart rate monitor and wheeled the iv rack over to the adjoined bathroom.

 

_ (What? Did you think I was going to dramatically pull out my iv? No way José! That'd freaking hurt!) _

 

When washing up, I took some time to look at myself in the mirror. I was, thankfully, no surreal super beauty, inhuman in perfection. No super craving of blood, no gold/red/black eyes.

 

I didn't particularly want to be a vampire, either. Appearance wise, it was so false, and seriously, Vampirism is so Mary Sueish. But at least I looked relatively healthy, which was a surprise, because from my memory, Bella wasn't all that healthy, being slightly above average weight, a pallored skin, and mild acne.  _ (oh the things the movies and books don't tell you!) _

 

She didn't really take care of herself at all.  _ (she, I, that was going to get confusing) _

 

I didn't, however, mind the super pretty eyes I had. As Bella, I already had nice eyes, but now the brown was accented with a red tint and gold streaks. I was also extremely pleased my acne was completely gone.

 

That was one thing to be pleased about at least.. I never really had excessive acne in my original body, I wasn't about to put up with it here.

 

' _ Why had Edward liked Bella again?'  _ I wondered. It certainly wasn't appearance, and they had been squishing and repressing anything vaguely resembling independence since they had met her. ' _ Oh yea, she smelled tasty, and was a novelty.' _

 

A hesitant knock on the door startled me out of my observation. "Bella?" Charlie worriedly called. "Are you in there?"

 

"Yea Dad!" I called back, forgoing Bella's normal designation of calling him by his first name. "I'm coming out now!"

 

I was incredibly thankful full time patients had something a bit less revealing than hospital gowns, I thought about distractedly, as I slipped out to my Dad.

 

_ Somehow, the fond memories seemed so much more valuable than whatever Bella had with Edward, _ I thought, as I looked into my father's loving eyes, his body haggard from grief and loss of rest.

 

Charlie took me gently in his arms, trying to be the tough macho stable father he always tried to portray. Tear drops hitting my head belay that composure, however, when he spoke. "I thought I was going to lose you forever," Charlie said, in a soft, wavering voice.

 

"Never," I promised my father, turning my head to give Carlisle a steady gaze. The vampire watched back, his poker face impassive.

 

My father finally let me go, and he frowned slightly. "I'm going to call your mother," he said, with disapproval in his voice. "She couldn't be here." " _ But I could," _ his silent accusation obvious to both of us.

 

Charlie left, and I was alone with the good Doctor, wondering how I was going to cope with this ridiculous mess.

 

" **_Why meeeee?! "_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moral of the chapter: Treasure your family- especially if they are good to you. Don't dump it for frivolous, selfish reasons.   
> Signing out for this chapter,  
> Gelasia Kidd


	3. Help I'm a Teenager

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edward approaches and Bella realizes that life is difficult.

**Chapter 3:**

I was both relieved, and somewhat dismayed and perturbed, when before Carlisle had the chance to question me, Edward zoomed into the room.

 

He swept me up in a life threatening bear  _ (vampire) _ hug that was just a step below bone breaking, but unfortunately the motion also snagged my IV and I screeched in pain.

 

"OWWW THE HECK!" I swatted him on the head, and he rapidly let me go. At the vision rapidly bruising torn artery under the iv, I swore, that if he hadn't been a vampire and already there, he would have gone sheet white.

 

As Edward's freak out commenced,  _ (which I steadily tuned out) _ up and including his black eyes from  **NOT** eating in five-ever, I instead was fascinated as I watched the bruise, which had blossomed into a really ugly mess across my arm, slowly receded, healing.

 

As he started to declare medical emergency and reach for the nurse panic button with  _ Carlisle  _ **_right there_ ** _ ,  _ he got another, much less ignored swat, as I  **_high fived his face_ ** and pulled back to giving him a dirty look.

 

Carlisle coughed, hiding his amusement. Except it wasn't  _ all that hidden _ considering vampires  _ don't  _ **_need_ ** to cough, I turned the glare to him, and both of them froze at my next statement.

 

"If you guys made me immortal, _so help me_ , age differences and super strength _aside,_ I'll take you each over my knees and give you all the **_spanking_** **_of an undead lifetime_**."

 

Carlisle blanched, while Edward gaped. "What.. **_Bella?!_ ** _ "  _ Edward stammered out, his black eyes absolutely blank with confusion.

 

After carefully making sure my IV was set in a safe position, I started pushing an unresisting Edward out the door.

 

"Go, eat, make merry," I told him. "We have adult things to talk about now." I admit it was incredibly patronizing at this point. And if he hadn't been so startled by the whole fiasco I started in the first place, he would have both overpowered me and realized I was being a total dick to him.

 

' _ Well, maybe that's a tad ungraciously hateful,'  _ I thought. ' _ I mean, he did lose _ **_(almost lose? Will lose?)_ ** _ his 'true love'.'  _ I decided to be a little nicer, or try. I mean, for someone around a hundred years old, genius, and in everyone’s head, he did have all the social grace of a severely autistic child. ' _ Is autism in vampires even a thing?' _ I wondered. I'd be nice to him, at least until I figured out what was going on.

 

Still, I wasn't going to play living dress up doll / tamagotchi pet hybrid for the children either. I suppose that was  _ ungracious _ as well, but they really did act like spoiled children with a new toy.

 

Edward finally seemed to realize he wasn't going to be able to put off eating anymore, and as he turned back around to say goodbye, I diverted what I knew was going to be a kiss, by reaching forward and ruffling his hair.

 

I hate to admit it, but if there was one thing I can say nice about vampires is  _ they have amazingly soft hair.  _ Why in God's name would Laurent have  _ ever _ wore dreadlocks? It was like the bestest mix of bunny fur and cashmere. And I was a  _ sucker _ for soft things.

 

So I smiled at Edward, because he really did look like a kitten that lost his toy mouse under the chair. "Go gets some omnoms, kay?" I said in my cutest voice.

 

_ (I couldn't help it, the feline vibes, augh.) _

 

' _ Okay,'  _ I acknowledged, ' _ He was a kitten with a really gut throbbing smile.'  _ **_Nononono-_ **

 

I mentally punched myself in the ovaries. No hormones. Bad hormones.  _ Ohgod I was a teenage girl again, what the hell.  _

 

The  _ freaking  _ **_stupid_ ** feeling, eased when Edward left. I was going to have to wall up my defenses against hot men.  _ Whywhywhy.  _

 

...and perhaps invest in some personal items. Maybe.

 

**_I was doomed._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Got a few things to say about this chapter:
> 
> One, the autism response is not meant to be insulting- I've got it myself, but I know people who have it worse. It's a remark of the lack of social grace, context of severity.
> 
> Two, Edward is not a potential romance option, ever. The guy is a brat for all that he's a hundred years old. And he needs to learn people are not possessions. 
> 
> Three, however that doesn't mean that learning to cope with a new body and the hormones and natural tendencies is going to make it any easier on the character. New things to tackle, huh?
> 
> The last thing I have to say is that this is still going to be a crack parody. Plot will sneak in, it's just my nature to do so. I'm not sure if I'll finish it so I make no promises. 
> 
> Thank you and have fun!


	4. It ends with a chicken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlisle is a paranoid parrot. Vampire parrot. Same difference. xD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Making the move from ffnet. Expect piles of updates on all stories

**Chapter 4:**

"I want to go home," was the first thing out of my mouth when Carlisle and I were alone. I was surprised that I actually _meant it_ , and more-so that I meant the home with Charlie, and not my original family. It was if all my attachments had been migrated over to this universes family and friends.

Charlie _was_ Daddy, and Renee, well she was more of a little sister, but they were _my_ family. And no vampire coven was going to take that away from me. _Any of them._ Even the **Volturi.** I was bound and determined to protect them, but first I wanted to go home.

Carlisle gestured to the bed, pulling out a stethoscope from where it hung under his lab jacket, and lifting up my shirt _which felt really awkward_ , to test my blood pressure. He was definitely acting unsure and unsettled, and for that matter I was too. There was little surety left in my world right now.

He spend several minutes measuring breath, reflexes, all the important boring things, making notes of who knows what on a personal notebook, and recording falsified info on my medical chart.

"Your heart rate is significantly slower than average," Carlisle said finally. "And the oxygen levels are incredibly low. You've gone slightly anemic," he looked bewildered at this, because I should be _craving_ blood, if things had happened the way they should have, not _being anemic_ , "but your reflexes are good, and your blood sugars are regular."

My eyes, not wanting to look at him recording that who knows what I couldn't see anymore, drifted to a hideous still life on the wall.

"And you are healing.." Carlisle said in a low, subdued voice, my eyes drifting back to him. " _Incredibly_ well.."

I shrugged, dismissing it for now. I didn't want to be here, and it wasn't hurting me right now. Not that much could be done in a hospital with cameras. I belated remembered what I threatened, but it would be easy to assume I had been dreaming in the coma, and dismiss what I said, if anyone had seen it.

"The better I get, the faster I can get out of here, right?" I claimed, meeting his eyes. He watched me piercingly.

"As far as I can see, you are completely healthy, so I see no reason for you not to be able to g home," Carlisle admitted. "But I'll have to insist on regular checkups at my _private practice_."

' _Well, that was one not-as-suspicious-at-all ways to say come to the Cullen home to be poked and prodded, or else..'_ I thought sullenly, wanting to be stubborn and defensive over it all. But he was the closest thing to a specialist in this surreal "field" as currently existed, or available, so lack of trust aside, I also had a lack of options, and I was going to comply.

I nodded in agreement. "Sure, I'll set up an appointment when I get settled in at home." That was my way of saying ' _Home first, bro. Then whatever cray tests you want to do to me.'_ I was not about to neglect my poor worried Dad to ease the Cullen's curiosity, or even my worry.

Carlisle seemed to accept that, as I stared at him, unblinking. Finally, sighing _(all too fake vampire habits),_ he agreed. "As soon as you get settled, schedule a visit," He ordered.

I rolled my eyes sarcastically. "Yes, Mother," I grumbled. But it was in good humor. For all his ridiculous nonsense, he was a doctor because he wanted to _help_ people. So I would concede to that, at least.

When Charlie came back, I was packed and ready to go. There was some hassle with the paperwork, ( _And the cover story), (and when wasn't there a hassle with paperwork?_ ) and we head home in his cruiser.

I discovered at my arrival, my mirror in my room had been covered in get well cards. I saw cards from Jessica, Angela, Eric, TWO from Mike _(oh that boy, at least he was a sweetie),_ Jacob, Billy, surprisingly, Embry and Quil, as much as I'm not super close to them.. and yet not a single one from the Cullen's.

I couldn't tell if it was due to their detachment from humanity, their faith in my ability to get better, utter disregard, but they didn't give me a single one when all these people _Bella,_ _**I,**_ had been neglecting, ( _and felt horrible about even though it totally wasn't my fault!) ,_ went out of their way to send these.

I couldn't help but be a little disappointed.

_(Yea yea, it surprised me too! Butt-hurt over vamp-coven neglect?)_

My human friends though, well they deserved some thanks.. I was going to do so.. AFTER dinner.

_(Hey, come on! I hadn't eaten in two months!)_

_(And it was rotisserie chicken! Who can resist that?!)_

_(..Stop laughing!)_

_(_ _**NO, REALLY.** _ _)_

_(... I can still hear you..)_

_**(..crai.)** _


	5. The chapter with my favorite quote

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The greatest of evils- my mortal enemy

**Chapter 5:**

After dinner I began to plan. It was a mess of thoughts, and while some was serious, most was a simple to do list.

Thank you calls/gifts and such to the nice people who actually _cared_ to send a card.

Anemic? Buying more red meats for dinner should help with that.

Invest in some self defense classes- preferably something that incorporated turning strength against a stronger foe, throws, dodging, and running. There was no way in _hell_ I was going to be able to overpower a vampire.

I refused to jump on the vampire bandwagon but I wanted to at least know enough to GTFO of a bad situation. (And I wasn't about to leave it all to the men and pretty vampire pixies.)

4\. I wanted to figure out that shield thing. It was the only thing that I could possibly use to protect my family, and even if I couldn't do that, it ought to help.. right?

(I was under no delusions that I was some sort of OP Bella, but I sort of wished I had been- it would have been a lot less scary if I was.)

That about summarized my list, and I turned on my computer, plans to contact my friends over the internet. This plan was quickly shot when I realized it was _still_ _ **2001**_ in a small town. I was faced with my mortal enemy, all over again- one I had thought long deceased.

_**Dial-up.** _

I was suddenly aware of why Bella, (or me, in my original timeline) had such an extreme _fondness_ for books. Dial-up took _**forever!**_

I resigned myself to calling all my friends, thankful that due to Renee's fascination with tech, at least I had a bulky, flip top cell phone.

That didn't take all too long. Eric and Angela were out on a date, so I caught them together. They were relieved to hear I was okay, but were also extremely busy, and Eric had limited minutes on his phone.

Jessica was _totally_ getting a petti, and was _so sorry_ but she _had_ to go, but glad you are awake. She said that in a tone that was perky but not totally honest, like I'd had a sleeping disorder rather than be in a coma.

Jacob, Embry and Quil had all dropped sick with a high ' _fever'_ and I was pretty sure they weren't sick at all. ' _Hmmm, plot acceleration. No comprende.'_

I decided to send Jacob an ironic gift- Remus, my plush wolf from when we played together as a children, and an old collar for Charlie's police dog that had died years ago. He's remember the plush, and hopefully it would drive him to visit. At least, Sam would want to come if he was feeling paranoid and confrontational.

' _Bring it on!'_ I though in humor.

By this time, it was early evening, and too my surprise, I was actually tired. It wasn't so much physical as it was mental- everything going on, I was ready to turn off my brain completely for awhile.

I said goodnight my my Dad, and got into the comfiest, warmest pajamas I had. A pair of super plush cushy fleece jammies, that Bella had neglected to wear. One was that it was cutesy, and pink, and she didn't like either. Two was that it wasn't "sexy" enough for Edward.

To me, that was the height of foolishness- avoiding comfort for aesthetics and pickiness? Bleh.

As I began to change, my shirt half off, I froze, movement in the tree outside my window. I needn't be suspicious… its not paranoia if you are _right._ With nary a gesture, Edward seemed to teleport into my room. Holding the shirt to my chest I stare at him, unimpressed.

"Oh," I started, as if it just occured to me. "I know I never mentioned it before, but lurking in the tree, staring, is sort of _creepy_ stalkerish.."

Edward gave me that heart throb smile. "Then I'll just join you in bed," he said, trying to be charming. The Creep-o-MeterTM tripled in power, and suddenly that smile didn't seem so sexy anymore.

"Ugh," I grumbled. "I know you have no respect or understanding of privacy, but you could at least pretend."

It is sad to admit, but I think I need to get Edward a self help book on social norms, and human boundaries.. and many more, I considered, taking in his blank, uncomprehending face. He had _no idea_ what I meant.

"Really?" I muttered allowed. Had he actually forgotten what privacy really was, after having been in people's heads all this time? I was a tad worried, considering Edward's harshly controlling actions when it came to Bella interacting with others, especially Jacob.

It put his actions in a whole new light- He had no idea what I was thinking, and it made him _paranoid._ It was like knowing someone was talking about you but not knowing what was said, positive or negative.

I couldn't do anything about that right now, but regardless, I had to change into my pajamas, and Edward was currently an immovable force.

"Please go home," I pled to Edward, knowing its futility. He gave me the biggest and saddest kicked puppy look, and his gold eyes gave him a even closer to canine appearance, enhancing the effect.

"Fine!" I allowed, sighing. "But stay here- I'll be right back!"

I moseyed to the bathroom, changed - and took a moment to wipe down my sticky skin, promising myself to take a shower in the morning, grabbed an electric blanket, and made it back to my room.

Edward, to my annoyance, had made himself comfy in my bed, so I plugged in the electric blanket on high so it would warm, and checked my finally have loaded _ridiculously slow_ email as it warmed. Over two thousand new messages. Right. _Ugh._

Edward on his part, was distracted from his petulant pouting that I wasn't _all over him_ as was the norm, by the rapidly warming blanket. I supposed it hadn't been necessary for a vampire to have one so he had _no idea_ what it was supposed to do, and he glared at it like it was a lethifold.

But if I was going to sleep with a ice cube in my bed, I was going to try to make it as cozy as possible, and Edward Cullen would have to just get over himself.

_Yea, right._


	6. That moment where you realize 17 is forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And they will never, ever get older.

**Chapter 6:**

I knew morning, when Edward asked me to meet him at the edge of the forest near my house, that something was off. His closed off, aggressive expression, was enough to send signals in my brains about the matter.

I was not about to allow him to spew bullshit at me without giving him some grief, so I deliberately took as long as possible to brew coffee, wash off, change into ANOTHER pair of fleecy never been used jammies _(what the hell was wrong with Bella?!),_ blow dry my long hair, and then fix up a massive mug of coffee.

The jammies were for a good reason- I had quickly become aware of the fact that Bella, having moved from Phoenix, had never EVER gone on that necessity trip for winter clothes. She only went shopping for clothes with a ice pixie popsicle, who had no consideration for the freezing weather.

So in as many layers as I could put under my jammie top and a zip up hoodie over that, I mosied out to the edge of the forest, sipping my coffee. I, unhurriedly, stopped to watch some random interesting insects, smell a few flowers, and enjoy the pretty tasty coffee.

As I was heading over there, I contemplated the original scene. It was a little early, I suppose. But if he expected me to go running after him and break down dramatically, he was going to be disappointed.

_(And it occurred to me then, that Sam Uley wasn't actually all that bad. Dickishness aside, in canon, after the horror of the first few weeks of being a 'werewolf', he still went out of his way to save a girl he hardly knew, and had no reason to like- even risking his secret to rescue her. That went up pretty high on the Pretty-cool-dude scale._

_I was, at this point, not entirely sure why they villainized him. He was an asshole to everyone, and paranoid as heck, but he wasn't evil.)_

_(I also wondered if it was possible to send a thank you card for something that technically never happened.)_

My pondering was cut short, as I reached the edge of the forest. Looking up at his scowling face, _(for real now),_ I felt strangely vindicated for making him wait. Especially with the following predictable actions.

"I, we are leaving," Edward snapped. "You cause too much trouble for our coven, and its dangerous."

I looked at him in nonchalant apathy. "Okie," I agreed.

"I don't love you, you were just a-" suddenly what I said registered, and he cut off. "What."

"I said _okay,_ " I reiterated. "Obvs not going to get through to you, but you might wanna leave an emergency contact- I mean, I did get sort of poisoned and went weird. And as far as I know, the other vampires aren't going to stop showing up- I mean didn't James' coven show up at a baseball game of all things?"

He blanched, having obviously not considered that.

I gave him an unimpressed stare. "Lemme guess, you freak out about me getting hurt, and made a stupid plan? How you convinced the _rest_ of them, is beyond me though."

He have me that kicked puppy look again, and in the most pathetically whiney voice I had heard him sulk in, replied.

"It was a _good_ plan," Edward complained, obviously irrationally butt hurt. I mean he had brought me out here to break my heart!

He looked so adorably sad, that despite my relative short height compared to him, I reached up and ruffled that _super soft_ hair.

"Sure it was honey," I cooed soothingly at him.

Another flash of Edward's bewildered face- he'd probably been so radically confused the past few days than he ever had in his entire unlife.

_(But really, I couldn't help it. Despite him being over a century old, he still looked like a 17 year old, and to my nearly 30 mind, that looked positively adorable. I mean 17 is just a teeny!)_

_(Literally! And figuratively!)_

"I uh, need to go home," he squeaked in panic. My mental narrative filled in the blank with my imagination.

" _Mommy, Bella's gone cray cray!"_

I couldn't resist chuckling as he disappeared, and sipping my coffee, I head back home.

' _Maybe I should try to convince Angela to go to Seattle with me,'_ I pondered. ' _I mean, coffee!'_

 _(I was obviously_ _ **super worried**_ _about the Cullen's leaving.)_

And wandered off with my head in the clouds, I didn't notice the wolf at the edge of the forest, a confused, quirked head, and the dog collar I sent around his neck.

But even if I had, it wouldn't have changed anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ever


	7. I'm so cold.. so cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Furry body heaters?

I was woefully regretting my lack of foresight when Jacob knocked on my door less than an hour later, wearing his best clothing and looking like the sun set and rose in my eyes.

 _(Of_ _ **course**_ _with the lack of my_ _ **never-going-to-happen**_ _miracle half vampire baby, Jacob would imprint on_ _ **me**_ _instead.)_

_(Someone up There was pulling a_ _**really mean** _ _prank on me, I swear)_

I promptly shut the door in his face.

"NopenopeNOPE," I said, back to the door, facepalming, before a hesitant knock came to the door. I flashed my eyes to the heavens. ' _Why me?'_ I mouthed despairingly.

"Bella..?" I heard on the other side of the door from a _very persistent_ Jacob. "I can explain!"

I was perfectly well set to ignoring him, but after a few moments of blissful silence, he started whining, like legitimate " _why did you leave me in the crate mommy and go bai bai?!"_ puppy whining. And just like my dog from when I was younger, it made me feel _really_ guilty and like an _awful_ person.

I opened the door, half way, and Jacob perked up. My anime-vision could almost imagine the ears and tails he wasn't currently sporting. Ears sticking up, tail wagging. I felt somewhere halfway between ' _what the hell am I doing?'_ and ' _that's so adorable!'._

So just as hesitantly as his knocking, I let him in, watching him warily.

_(Don't glomp me, don't glomp me,_ _**don't glomp me!** _ _)_

We sat down on the sofa, and I could feel the heat radiating off his skin. Taking a look at him, I took in the short hair, extra inches, dog collar.. _DOG COLLAR?_

" _How did you even_ _ **get**_ _that?!'_ I near screeched in startlement. "I just _packed_ it last night!"

_(pleasedontbeacreepystalker)_

_(I just got rid of the last one!)_

"Oh," Jacob said sheepishly, fingering the chain attached to the side, extending it like a necklace. "Charlie brought it by, and left it with Dad."

A curious expression crossed his face, as he sniffed the air, somehow picking up the ridiculously _awful (_ _ **to him)**_ scent of a vampire.

"Uh.." Jacob started slowly. "That cold _(one)_ bastard isn't here, is he?" His eyes swivelled across the room suspicously.

"No, Jacob," I reassured, before taking my chin in hand and twisting my lips in cross contemplation. "I think he sort of kind of _broke up_ with me this morning, but he wasn't awful clear." I leaned back and shrugged.

"He was sort of a dick about it and claimed about leaving with his fam, so I dun even know if I want to deal with that bull right now," I grumbled.

_(actually I def didn't want to deal with that bull right now,_ _**ever** _ _, but I couldn't fall too out of character if I wanted to, you know, live. Oddness is acceptable, knowing too much? not so much.)_

_(Well.._ _ **shit.**_ _I'd never be able to keep that up.)_

_(_ _**doomed)** _

_(stop laughing!)_

Jacob seemed to hmm in approval, that waggy tail feeling back again. "Then can you right with me down to the rez? The guys are waiting for me and I have some stuff to tell you."

I shrugged, smiling pleasantly. "As long as you treat me for breakfast," I compromised. "Ever since.. I've been slightly anemic."

He paused, taking in my nicer than usually appearance. "You, uh.. don't feel _thirsty,_ do you?" he asked, suspicious again.

"No, Jacob," I said, sighing. Screw subtleness. Not my strong point. Comedic route: **ON!**

"I did _not_ _ **go**_ "Sparkly Vamp Pretty Bella!"" I laughed at the image. "But I can _so_ see Alice into that- Can _you?"_ I mimed an archer shooting. " _Glittery Magic Blood Arrow!"_

Jacob was trying _so hard_ to be disapproving and stern, but his mouth kept twitching, and when a wagged my fingers in a "quotation" gesture and made a zing gesture, he couldn't resist. He broke into cackles, honest to goodness _curl over and die_ laughter.

"OH. _My._ _ **GOD!"**_ he spit out, with a face that couldn't stop smiling. "I don't know, Bella, its more like _Eddie_ who has the pretty princess fairy thing down pat." My face turned red with repressed laughter as I covered my mouth, giggling.

"Yes, he _is,_ exceptionally pretty," I snorted, having calmed. Jacob didn't take it poorly, as I was looking completely sarcastic and rolling my eyes. "Well, lets get off to the rez!"

He coughed in amusement, and gestured widely at my pajamas. "Don't you want to change?"

I looked down at my comfy self, and back up at him. "Hm, okay!" And heading into my room, I put on a beanie and some bunny slippers, _(after removing the tags on them too- Renee absolutely had no idea what Bella had liked),_ and slipped back down starts.

"Okay! Ready!" I said innocently. He gave me the strangest look before turning slightly, covering his eyes as he shuddered in amusement. Finally, he turned back, his eyes full of mirth.

" _Oh, Bella,"_ he said fondly. "You'll fit in just _fine."_

And so we loaded his motorcycle into my truck.

_(Hell no was I going to ride in anything less than a closed cabin vehicle in this cold!)_

_(Yes, 65 F is cold.)_

_(Yes it is!)_

_(...I'm a southerner, okay?)_

_(_ _**stoplaughing)** _

I pointed at the horizon. "Onward ! To meet my destiny!"

_(I had no idea how true that was going to be, in a few hours. And yet, even still, can't find it in me to regret tempting fate.)_

_(_ _**I'm doomed.** _ _)_


	8. It takes two, baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've got my.. love? To keep me warm

The drive over was cozy and comfortable. I didn't particularly _want_ to drive, not _yet_ , and def not in bunny slippers. And Jacob wasn't about to let me either; After all, I had just gotten out of the hospital.

_(Even if I WAS feeling better than I ever had before.)_

We stopped by a McDonald's on the way, and I ended up ordering like 4 sausage McMuffins. I consumed them rapidly.. and at the end of it, wasn't even stuffed.

"Wow…" Jacob said slowly, in surprise. "You eat like -" he cut off. " _Nevermind."_

"I know!" I chirped happily, taking a big gulp of orange juice, before finishing my train of thought. "I couldn't stop _wolfing_ it down!"

He gape, and then it got weird, as he went sort of spacey and blushed brightly.

I smacked him on the _(rock solid)_ arm. "Head out of the gutter, horn dog!" I snarked.

Jacob recovered quickly, and smirked. "Only if you want me to be!"

"Uuughh.." I grumbled. "Walked into that one."

Jacob grew a little more serious, but a fond smile still remained on his face. "We better hurry," Jacob insisted. "The rest of the tribe will be waiting."

At that, I blanched. I expected maybe the pack, and Harry, not the _whole rez_. Jacob eased my worry though, having a sixth sense maybe to how panicked I felt.

"Its just a few leaders and friends," he consoled. But his smile was obviously teasing, having found my panic silly/cute. I nodded, relieved, but pouted exaggeratedly that he had been _picking on me!_

"Fine, fine," I grumbled, shuffling petulantly to the trash can and emptying the tray. The rest of the trip was passed in silence, as I tuned him out for my walkman.

 _(on that note, I had been contemplating throwing Edward's CD out, but it_ _ **was**_ _still sort of pretty music and I_ _ **hated**_ _waste.)_

The rest of the way wasn't a remarkably long trip, especially with Jacob driving at triple the speed limit.

As we parked, I noticed there was a crowd of _really tall people_ and I was _really_ _ **damn**_ _short._ It was the pack; and while most of them were subdued, Sam looked _**furious**_. This left me feeling ridiculously dismayed.

"Why have you brought an outside back, Black," Sam snarled, unreasonably angry. "This was a Pack meeting, you were late, and you brought a _blood sucker_ lover?!" He listed the slights he was taking personally.

_(My following shout of "HEY!" was immediately dismissed)_

Nary a glance was made toward me, because at the same time, Jacob snarled back in defiance, in vicious defense, before snapping.

"She's my Imprint!"

Silence fell for all of a seconds hesitation, before a completely unexpected voice called out;

"She's mine, too!"

_(What.)_

_(WHAT!)_

_(This_ _**wasn't happening!** _ _)_

But looking into the relieved eyes of the figure that strode to my side, I realized it very much _was._

_(I don't think we are in Kansas anymore, Toto.)_


	9. ...who let the dogs out?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evidently me..

**Chapter 9:**

Leah Clearwater stared at me, utter relieved devotion in her eyes. It reminded me of _Hayato_ from Reborn, rescued from near death

_(I swear if she called me Juudaime, I was going to jump off a cliff.)_

_(Wait, Bella did that. )_

_(It didn't work out so well.)_

_(Oh well.)_

But while Leah had this adorable _**pika pika kira kira sparkly**_ look in her eyes, and was visibly vibrating in excitement, she didn't call me any title of sorts, much to my relief.

I sort of expected more stubborn denial, and anger, but as I watched her and Jacob hold each others hands, forming a wall in front of me, it seemed to feel right.

The whole scene was pretty through the looking glass surreal, but as I watched them both flash me an adoring smile over their shoulder, and then at each other, I found that there was some truth to the theory behind the imprinting.

' _They really_ _ **do**_ _become what the imprint needs,'_ I thought, fascinated. And what I needed most was somebody I could trust; Not a lover or romantic partner, simply a friend who would never let me down.

Yet still, the terror that shot through me at the thought if _telling them_ I wasn't _**their**_ Bella sent a visage of panic across my face. This was immediately misinterpreted by Sam and the rest of the Pack, but in reluctant deference to Sam's 'authority', they stood silent, letting him speak.

"Are you sure, Leah, Jacob? The Great Spirit gave Her blessing to _this_ union?!" he seemed to waver back and forth between understanding and complete indignation.

At this point, my mouth sort of ran away with me.

"You are sort of a racist dick, aren't you?"

Silence descended. I felt an inevitable sense of doom, but I couldn't take it back.

_(maybe)_

"I guess it would be more speciest, instead of racist, well unless you consider me as an ' _outsider'_ based on the fact of me not being of your tribe," I continued, digging my hole deeper. "But in any case you are a prejudice berk!"

Behind Sam, Quil turned to Embry. "What's a berk?" he said in a faux whisper. Embry gave a annoyed glare in return.

"How am I supposed to know?!"

Sam turned to them, furious.

"SHUT **UP!"** he growled, using his Alpha Voice.

_(I could hear the capital letters in that. Alpha. Voice)_

"Oh wow," I said. "You are sort of a bully too! Have you considered anger management classes?"

 _(I would later find that he very much_ _ **had,**_ _fearing a repeat of the attack on Emily, and had been promptly shot down by the stupid as hell "I know what's better" council.)_

_(And would feel ridiculous bad about saying that.)_

_(And also feel the need to maim said council.)_

I immediately began to regret this statement, as his skin rippled, his clothes shred, and a _**ginormous wolf**_ struck out at me.

But moments before he reached my throat, three wolves tackled him. Jacob, Leah, and the somewhat unexpected form of Seth.

Things went sort of crazy here, and the ensuing fight wrecked the terrain. at the end of it all, Sam was belly up, and the other members had wolved too, making an excited rukus.

They didn't stay that way all too long, though, before they calmed and phased back.

_(I was surrounded by naked men.)_

_(Why.)_

_(STOP LAUGHING.)_

I was mortified, embarrassed, and to my utter humiliation, somewhat aroused to be surrounded by attractive naked men.

They obviously could tell, because they quickly covered themselves with their hands, as best as they could. Leah hadn't even bothered, chuckling and taking in my flustered state.

She seemed so much happier now, it was like an entirely different person!

I did what I always did when uncomfortable - I went for comedy. "Naked party?" I said jokingly, to distract from it all. Harsh laughter scattered across the clearing.

All except Sam, who lay there, a scrap of cloth considerately placed over his privates. He was smiling weakly, and looking like he had been shouldering the world for a lifetime, and was finally free of its weight.

And as we head in, the boys having pulled out, and on, emergency shorts, _(who carries emergency shorts? Besides the Hulk?)_ , I smiled.

I felt okay with this, I decided, as Leah jabbered excitedly how much fun it was going to be to have another girl around.

_(I may not have to attempt to convince Angela to drive with me after all!)_

My smile spread. Yea, I was _totally_ okay with this.


	10. You have no idea what's at steak!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bloody hell

As we head into what I had thought was going to be a tribe meeting, I was pleasantly surprised it was really just brunch at Emily's, with Billy Black and Sue Clearwater representing the Elders.

This in turn felt sort of

_(Read; very)_

awkward when the two looked at us, and then each other, in amusement, and mild parental worry at the fact Jacob was holding one of my hands and Leah, the other, both grinning like children on Prozac.

_(I am quite literally an antidepressant, thank you very much. Three cheers for Bella!)_

_(*_ _**cricket chirps** _ _*)_

_(orz)_

My face glowed in embarrassment, for as soon as we sat down around the table, the two of them both put a supportive arm around my shoulder, just inside the boundaries of intimate.

"What exactly is going on here?" Billy asked, as Sam walked in, looking passively submissive.

"I am building a harem," I said in a deadpan voice. "I've decided to call this day's adventure "Dancing with Wolves"." This was said in my driest tone.

As the boys around me started in barking laughs, I looked at the sky yet again in exasperation.

"Well," Sue said, obviously not amused. "You might want to name that "Dancing around the Subject"." There was very much a _why me_ and _heaven help me, teenagers_ look in her eyes, as she took in her daughter, who had begun nuzzling my neck.

_(I had sort of wondered if she was marking me like a cat would, before I remembered quite intensely how male wolves mark their territory)_

The ensuing glare at Jacob startled him, as he obviously had _no idea why._

_(My eyes threatened him.)_

_(If you pee on me.)_

_(So help me.)_

_(I'm going to neuter you.)_

_(stop laughing)_

_(no)_

_(orz)_

Lunch was brought in by the kind and sweet, ever so gentle Emily.

_(This comment would be proven relevant soon, I swear)_

_(and by soon I mean pretty much now)_

_(sshhhh stahp)_

Emily smiled, her arm loaded with practically a _whole cow_ of steaks, on a large porcelain platter. I was absolutely thrilled at the sight, and leaned forward in desire.

Suddenly, Jacob stood up, and it caused me to fall on Leah's lap. Seconds after, Leah stood up just as unexpectedly, and I fell on the floor with a thud.

_(ow)_

_(its_ _ **not**_ _funny!)_

_(;n;)_

"Paul has reported that the Cullen's are about to cross the treaty line!" Jacob announced in a serious and feral voice. The rest of the pack started growling.

Face still planted on the floor, I groaned in pain. But my groans were quickly overtook by a crash, followed by a yelp, and footsteps stomping up the stairs, a door slamming so hard I heard it split.

The boys spent some time fussing, a indistinguished noise to me with them going all at once. Then the front door slammed, and I finally looked up.

A steak lay in front of me, covered in porcelain shards. An unconscious Sam lay on the floor being hovered over by Sue, and Billy cover his face in utter dismay.

_(so was so gentle)_

_(so sweet)_

' _So_ _ **evil,'**_ I thought, looking at that steak inches in front of my nose. I could hear a squeaking noise and barely turned my head to see a steak sliding down the window.

I wondered why God was picking on me.

_(I'm going to kick Edward in the balls)_

_(or at least he'll lose his marbles)_

_(ha.. get it? stone body.. marbles?)_

_(_ _***crickets chirp*** _ _)_

_(orz)_


	11. A.N. (help?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truest of facts- Gela needs food

[Feed me?](https://www.gofundme.com/gela-needs-food)

 

So the whole explanation is there, but pretty much the fact of the matter is I am desperate and stressed. And still have like 300+ emails to respond to on ffnet after responding to 600 already. -help-

Please share where you can? 

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to ask questions, and please, share your initial reaction. Really wanting input. This'll probably be mini chapters for punchline reasons. First chapter will be posted shortly.


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